Why do children and parents fight?

Family conflicts arise for various reasons. For example, if a child spends too much time with gadgets, refuses to clean up his room, does not want to do his homework, or brings bad grades from school. It is academic performance that often becomes the main source of disputes between adults and children. And here are some important points that parents may overlook.

According to psychologist Larisa Surkova, sometimes a violent reaction to low grades causes a subconscious desire in children to get deuces. When a student brings an A, the parents usually tell him “well done” and change the subject. And when the child returns with a deuce, they pay more attention to him: they talk to him, decide to educate him more actively, hire tutors for him. All these actions of adults can be perceived by children as a manifestation of love and care. Therefore, from the point of view of child psychology, getting bad grades can be more profitable than good ones.

If a child has high scores in all but one subject, it doesn’t hurt to go to school and find out what the problem is. At the same time, it is important to take into account that in the current education system, grades are quite subjective, and bad grades are not the end of the world. Anything can be embedded in them: from the teacher’s mood in the lesson to his attitude towards the student’s parents. So experts advise you to think about whether a good relationship with a child is worth constant arguments because of academic performance.

Of course, the reasons for quarrels are not limited to issues of study. For example, parents may be regularly annoyed by the personal qualities or traits of their children.

Larisa Surkova

Candidate of Psychological Sciences, psychologist-consultant.

For example, a parent infuriates a child that he is very slow. When you start to work through the problem, it turns out that the parent himself is very slow or was so in childhood. He was kicked and punished a lot for this, so slowness causes such irritation already in his child.

There are other causes of conflicts that have nothing to do with the child, but are purely physiological. Hunger, cold, fatigue – all this can be a trigger for quarrels.

How to prevent conflicts

No matter how trite it may sound, adults first of all need to start with themselves. Get enough sleep, relax, monitor your physical and emotional state.

You don’t have to become a parent as soon as you step into the house and check your homework as soon as you get home from work. Mind your own business and let your child do his own. When you do not have nervous tension inside, conflicts happen much less often.

If you often get angry and lash out at your child, it is important to understand why this is happening. It’s easy to yell at kids – they can’t fight back. But the reason for your anger, perhaps, is not at all in them, but in problems at work. Of course, you cannot swear with the boss, so the child gets it.

To understand the situation and understand the true nature of quarrels, try the technique of free writing. Take a sheet of paper and write down everything that comes to mind, no matter how nonsense your thoughts may seem to you. This practice will help not only throw out negative emotions, but also find their real source.

Once you identify the cause and eliminate it, preventing fights in the future becomes much easier.

What to do if the conflict has already begun

Always try to maintain a balanced adult stance. It is difficult, but the best way to resolve disputes with children has not yet been invented. Take a break at least to go into another room and calm down a bit. Another valuable skill is the ability to shut up in time so as not to tell the child what you will later regret.

Blogger and mother of many children Alexandra Zvereva advises to build a dialogue with children on an equal footing. And above all, literally during a conversation, be on the same level, for example, squat down yourself or put your child on the sofa so that he does not look up at you.

It is also important to understand the child’s point of view. Ask him, “What do you think happened?” Give him a chance to voice his opinion and share his pain, and then talk about your thoughts and feelings. When a person understands that he is being heard, it is easier for him to perceive the opposite position. It will be easier to look for a way out of the situation by joint efforts.

If you find it difficult to understand what you are doing wrong and how to change your behavior, try recording another quarrel on video. Very often, parents begin to behave just like children: they scream, act up, stomp their feet. When you look at yourself from the outside, you will immediately see your main mistakes. And if you feel ashamed of them, feel free to apologize to your child.

We have prepared this material following the results of the SmartFest online festival, organized by Skysmart online school for children and teenagers. The video recording of this and other lectures of the festival is already available on the website.